thoughts running through my head ...
Questions ... random thoughts which have been stirring in my mind sparked by words I have read or conversations had. Not looking for some perfectly poised christian 'answer'. Just reflections ... To reflect is to hopefully cause us to better understand our own souls, motivations and perhaps faith discovery.
A few of my mental rants ... WARNING :: BEWARE this is very honest material below.
Why is it that as believers in our even most noble pursuit of faith and community, we are so motivated from a myopic soul conciousness. Our view of "church" and/or "mission" is so consumerized ... "what can I get out of this community...?" "This community has not met my unspoken, yet hours upon hours of stewed contemplation of frustrations, needs and cries"... Why is our relationship to faith, the Lord and others always so motivated by 'self'.
My Needs ... My Wants ... My Honesty ... My Emotions ... My Service ...Me, Me, Me. Why is it such a struggle to see through the selfless lense, to look through and slowly strip our conciousness of the human 'selfish' struggle. To look at how we can build into something, love someone, give away service ...give away of myself with no secret expectation or motivation in return. PURE SELFLESSNESS.
Perhaps we wouldn't always feel so ripped off by "church" and/or "community" if our pondering thoughts and conversations were more focused towards what I can give, contribute and build rather than what do I get out of this experience or person.
This experience is "failing" me!!! WHAT? What is failure really? Does it really exist? Does the Lord look at that which He gives daily to us as failure? hmmm... or is it more because it doesn't fit with what I think - I need, I want, I desire or I believe to expect. I, I, I...
Why is it ... so often as people the same grace we expect and even at times demand to be given towards ourselves, is so far from that which we are willing to give others in our life. We easily want to cry out for justice in every part of life and yet forget about our own dier need of mercy and grace ... and how we need to initiate that towards others ...?
Why is it that leadership is so dang hard, frustrating and heart wrenching most days. Even when you try to do right of those whom you lead and ultimately before the Lord - you are secretly (and at times not so secretly) judged, maligned, verbally accused and/or scarred all for the sake of personal "process" or "honesty".
Why is it that people often think we don't bleed, feel or hurt. That the verbals and non-verbals can be like a severe sting over and over again. "To be understood" only goes one direction. Why is it so easy to project your own issues on to everyone you meet making it theirs to own and yet really it has nothing to do with them at all. But all about you.
To "listen" through my personal filters and lense or to truly listen from the heart and Spirit? with purity not bias or ambition?
Does the pain of caring for others ever stop? Why does caring feel more painful than joyful?
When will people commit to push past "labels" defined or not in each other to see rare beauty and treasure that is so beyond our human value system. When will we want to discover something new in a person rather than just being content to thinking we have them all figured out and now slotted into our perfect little compartamental world.
When will we choose to see the way Jesus sees - not as the ways of our world.
Can one ever truly love unconditionally from a human form? Or is that only for the divine?
When will we look at others as gifts in our lives -to be cherished and cared for. Valued. Not used and then discarded once we have played long enough with the gift. Time to move on to the next. Relationships - why do we treat them like commodities valued only based on how they make me feel. When that feeling is gone -so are they.
Contentment. What does that really look like? Im realizing that Im not very good at that but, definately long to live from that place ... Then again what is that really ... all I know is that I long to posture my life towards and from that place.
'Loneliness' is it really different than 'aloneness'? I say that all the time but then I stop and ask myself will it ever end?
Fickle Relationships ... Content with shallow understanding -WHY? God help me - I really don't want to be that way!
Brokenness or Barrenness? Is it really either or? How about both and...?
Why does it feel as of late more about constant sacrifice than seeing blessing and provision? Sacrifice because of obedience is way easier for me in some odd way than choosing to believe in the blessing and provision of the Lord. I know it's there but honestly, it's wearing me down. Perhaps, Im just tired of fighting for my elusive dreams? a thought.
"The seeds that are planted in my liberty at every moment, by God's will, are the seeds of my own identity, my own reality, my own happiness, my own sanctity. To refuse them is to refuse everything; it is the refusal of my own existence and being: of my identity, my very self.
Not to accept and love and do God's will is to refuse the fullness of my existence.
If I never become what I am meant to be, but always remain what I am not, I shall spend eternity contradicting myself by being at once something and nothing, a life that wants to live and is dead, a death that wants to be dead and cannot quite achieve it's own death because it still has to exist." - Thomas Merton (Seeds of Contemplation pg.33)
My last thought ... Kingdom Struggle or perhaps just Human Contradiction. One of the same or different? hmmm...
A few of my mental rants ... WARNING :: BEWARE this is very honest material below.
Why is it that as believers in our even most noble pursuit of faith and community, we are so motivated from a myopic soul conciousness. Our view of "church" and/or "mission" is so consumerized ... "what can I get out of this community...?" "This community has not met my unspoken, yet hours upon hours of stewed contemplation of frustrations, needs and cries"... Why is our relationship to faith, the Lord and others always so motivated by 'self'.
My Needs ... My Wants ... My Honesty ... My Emotions ... My Service ...Me, Me, Me. Why is it such a struggle to see through the selfless lense, to look through and slowly strip our conciousness of the human 'selfish' struggle. To look at how we can build into something, love someone, give away service ...give away of myself with no secret expectation or motivation in return. PURE SELFLESSNESS.
Perhaps we wouldn't always feel so ripped off by "church" and/or "community" if our pondering thoughts and conversations were more focused towards what I can give, contribute and build rather than what do I get out of this experience or person.
This experience is "failing" me!!! WHAT? What is failure really? Does it really exist? Does the Lord look at that which He gives daily to us as failure? hmmm... or is it more because it doesn't fit with what I think - I need, I want, I desire or I believe to expect. I, I, I...
Why is it ... so often as people the same grace we expect and even at times demand to be given towards ourselves, is so far from that which we are willing to give others in our life. We easily want to cry out for justice in every part of life and yet forget about our own dier need of mercy and grace ... and how we need to initiate that towards others ...?
Why is it that leadership is so dang hard, frustrating and heart wrenching most days. Even when you try to do right of those whom you lead and ultimately before the Lord - you are secretly (and at times not so secretly) judged, maligned, verbally accused and/or scarred all for the sake of personal "process" or "honesty".
Why is it that people often think we don't bleed, feel or hurt. That the verbals and non-verbals can be like a severe sting over and over again. "To be understood" only goes one direction. Why is it so easy to project your own issues on to everyone you meet making it theirs to own and yet really it has nothing to do with them at all. But all about you.
To "listen" through my personal filters and lense or to truly listen from the heart and Spirit? with purity not bias or ambition?
Does the pain of caring for others ever stop? Why does caring feel more painful than joyful?
When will people commit to push past "labels" defined or not in each other to see rare beauty and treasure that is so beyond our human value system. When will we want to discover something new in a person rather than just being content to thinking we have them all figured out and now slotted into our perfect little compartamental world.
When will we choose to see the way Jesus sees - not as the ways of our world.
Can one ever truly love unconditionally from a human form? Or is that only for the divine?
When will we look at others as gifts in our lives -to be cherished and cared for. Valued. Not used and then discarded once we have played long enough with the gift. Time to move on to the next. Relationships - why do we treat them like commodities valued only based on how they make me feel. When that feeling is gone -so are they.
Contentment. What does that really look like? Im realizing that Im not very good at that but, definately long to live from that place ... Then again what is that really ... all I know is that I long to posture my life towards and from that place.
'Loneliness' is it really different than 'aloneness'? I say that all the time but then I stop and ask myself will it ever end?
Fickle Relationships ... Content with shallow understanding -WHY? God help me - I really don't want to be that way!
Brokenness or Barrenness? Is it really either or? How about both and...?
Why does it feel as of late more about constant sacrifice than seeing blessing and provision? Sacrifice because of obedience is way easier for me in some odd way than choosing to believe in the blessing and provision of the Lord. I know it's there but honestly, it's wearing me down. Perhaps, Im just tired of fighting for my elusive dreams? a thought.
"The seeds that are planted in my liberty at every moment, by God's will, are the seeds of my own identity, my own reality, my own happiness, my own sanctity. To refuse them is to refuse everything; it is the refusal of my own existence and being: of my identity, my very self.
Not to accept and love and do God's will is to refuse the fullness of my existence.
If I never become what I am meant to be, but always remain what I am not, I shall spend eternity contradicting myself by being at once something and nothing, a life that wants to live and is dead, a death that wants to be dead and cannot quite achieve it's own death because it still has to exist." - Thomas Merton (Seeds of Contemplation pg.33)
My last thought ... Kingdom Struggle or perhaps just Human Contradiction. One of the same or different? hmmm...
4 Comments:
Thanks, Sheri for sharing that. I'm so sick of hearing people complain about the church or the pastor saying "I'm leaving that church because I'm not getting fed there" Please! Church isn't an "all you can eat buffet" so you can get fat and lazy. It should be a hospital where the well minister to the sick.
Kerry
hmm... Great, honest thoughts Sheri.
I think that I have met the enemy and the enemy is me.
sheri - you stirred up a rant of my own... even had a bunch written in response, but in the end decided it's not productive. now i'm left with nothing to say! u know where we're at. keep at it.
Sheri - good thoughts! Maybe part of the struggle is we were all made for love and don't really believe Jesus is the perfect lover and more than enough. We think He is and say He is but then when we are wounded in the house of our friends, the old flesh kicks in. Maybe a key is to be bull headed enough to stand in faith and believe His blood is enough. Keep bringing our wounds to the cross and rising again and keep walking in forgiveness. Love ya, Diane
Post a Comment
<< Home